My Chaotic Realm

Well, due to an unseen chain of events, my son asked me about my ex-husband's whereabouts finally... last Thursday. And, never being one to sidestep questions, I told him what I knew. And, being a true child of mine, he took what I knew, turned it into something he could work with and was speaking (via landline) with the biological father he had not seen since he was 11 yrs old. And even that encounter was purely accidental. But those things happen in a small town, go figure. Needless to say, my ex was a bit surprised, figuring he had been written off for good due to his own lack of judgment over the last (almost) two decades. He underestimates my child's capacity for kindness and his willingness to overlook others faults. One of life's truths that I have tried to instill in my son is that very little (if any) of other people's actions TOWARDS you is actually BECAUSE of you. My ex did not abandon my son BECAUSE of my son, he did it due to his own shame and/or guilt

Well... I have been having this internal taffy pull of sorts. Why? Well... I have found a partner that fits me perfectly, that has a lot of the same interests as me, that has the same outlook, that shares most of the same beliefs I do. My life's path is on what I feel to be sold ground. And yet, I can't bring myself to share that joy with anyone other than the one's already on my path. Therein lies the taffy pull. I look around me at the people involved in my life and assume they will judge my happiness based on their own truth rather than trusting me to know my own truth. I am comfortable in my own skin, in being my own self, and yet I look around me and see that I do not "match" what others expect, and even today that still rankles me a bit... the feeling that I am still not "accepted" completely. I am not an oddity. I simply do not function well under the same handicaps as others, that is all. So, today as I am seeking some input from the Universe